/blog

8/27/2026 14:08 ‎ ‎ my mind im tired of feeling so up and down and im so sad that the summer is ending. ive been pretty lonely due to everyone being away and busy, and i havent really been all that happy. i kind of just feel so dull, and i dont like being dull at all!! i lost motivation for pretty much everything, i have nothing to do anymore. at least when my birthday comes around ill have a proper laptop.

7/13/2026 17:23 ‎ ‎ my self and the memories that im made of i feel bad. on the verge of tears. it feels like everything is shifting and i dont know what to do and it makes me think of sad memories that i repress and barely think about. i want to remember. it makes me feel terrible that i cant. i feel impure. i feel like i have no self i have no innocence i have no childhood everything has been taken away from me by hazy memories that no one remembers. they should disappear. i chase after fake innocence because it makes me feel better to know that i am a child i am still a child im not something else i feel like ive been something weird my whole life. why was i like this why was my childhood not a childhood why did my friend do that to me why do i not care why would she why are there things that i dont remember why would she touch me like that why did i want it why was i terrible at being a kid. i shouldnt have wanted her to. why did i want her to. i hate remembering. every day my whole life im never here im distracted im doing anything to avoid thinking and avoid facing change and i dont want to grow up and i know i have to and i dont want to go to therapy and i dont want to remember. she touched me badly. i only realized that recently. my parents caught us. why did they. not care.e why did they let it why what if thats the reason im like this. why would she touch me. why would my mom hate me. why would everyone hate me. i dont want people to hate me. im scared. things will change and i will change and i will have to do things and i dont know if i can. i want my mom to be proud of me. im scared that ill run away and just like that i have no one. im always running. why am i always running why do i never face anything why do i either give in or run. i dont want to leave anything behind and i still feel myself itching to just go. if my mom kicks me out ill leave, i dont know what ill do but ill leave. thats okay. im scared. i really am. im scared of so many things that its overwhelming and i dont want to hurt people because of my fear and. i know i will hurt people because my mom says im a terrible person and i know i am and i just keep avoiding everything and taking and never giving back and im so selfish i hate it. i really hate this.
todays been a bad day. i feel hopeless. i want to go back i hate who i am

7/9/2026 14:52 ‎ ‎ sleepover!! i had a sleepover with my best friend yesterday!!! (￣ω￣) i havent had one with her in a few months and it was a whole lot of funnnn we went on a long walk and talked and watched shows. i tried watching a scary movie with her (scream 6) but im very bad with horror... im very easily scared... i cried a lot and it was terrible and after 20 minutes we stopped watching which was nice. after that i was pretty sleepy and as i was going to bed talked to icy (my boyfriend i forgot to clarify) which was really fun woa. woa. that woke me up. i didnt sleep much. maybe 2 hrs? this morning my kud plushie that i ordered a while ago arrived (pictured below)

shes so kyuuuuteeeee aaaa woaaaaaa kuuudddddddd... that was awesome!!!!!!! besides that ive been taking it slow today as is summer lol. i want to finish up the madoka magica franchise today!! just the manga and stuff. the madoka figure that arrived apparently had issues with delivery so itll take longer... which was sad!! ive been moving back and forth between collecting media and buying jfashion but i dont have a consistent job so its been harder to sigh. i might buy a few more axes femme pieces in the future, ive been eying a cute dress. thats all thats really happened today!! ( = ⩊ = )

7/7/2026 17:47 ‎ ‎ trying new things last night i did something that i havent tried in a long time and it was a nice experience .. wow. i woke up pretty dazed because i did it for an hour late into the night and only slept 5-7 hours.. oops!! (´・ω・`) today was a lot less exciting in comparison. i baked a strawberry cake in the morning and im going to bring my boyfriend a slice when i see him on saturday so hopefully i can stop myself from eating it all by then! i also went out with a friend and we bought new clothes, since ive been wanting to get some. im very satisfied with that! this morning i also called my boyfriend which was veryy very fun and wow. woa. hi i know youre reading this i love you!
not much else to say sadly i live a very mundane life .. a new madoka figure i got arrived!! ill attach an image below, im very happy about that since i got her for a very good deal. yay! (＠＾◡＾)

7/5/2026 21:13 ‎ ‎ thoughts and happy sugar life today was pretty uneventful (´；д；`) last night i got a little drunk (i still swear it didnt feel like it at the time!!) and called my boyfriend and did fun stuff for the rest of the night. it did give me oddly vivid dreams! i reread happy sugar life this morning, and it's interesting how my perspective on it gets more nuanced as i keep reading more. satou and shio (sugar and salt, also interesting!) have such a beautiful ending and it made me a little bit sad, the ways that love is portrayed in this manga are so complex and interesting!!! even though much of it is different or gross everyone still loves and it really gets me thinking... their happy sugar life was unattainable but it worked in its own way, even if it was terribly sad. on a lighter note, satous bag charms are totally cute!! i really want my own imitation sweet keychains... but they seem like the type that you mainly get from gachapons in japan. not as easy to find here. her outfits too!! so cute!!! uwaaaaaaaaa overload...

i was thinking about my own house earlier while thinking about satou and shios castle for the two of them, and the line of satou's where she says that her home is wherever shio-chan can greet her. it got me wondering, do i really have a house? i guess i do, but its never felt like my house. i don't feel attached to my homes, even when i've moved a few times. i feel no nostalgia for them, really. its more like my parents apartments, which i happen to live in too. my bedroom, my furniture, they're things that my parents could take away if they wanted to and i dont feel attached at all. maybe thats for the best.
i also was thinking about my bunny plushies. i really like bunnies, i wish i had more plushies of them. ive been eying the jellycat one for a few years now, but never bought it... my two current ones are ones that ive had since i was a toddler, and im pretty attached to them... bunnies are so cute!! and they make adorable plushies... i need to get more (⋟﹏⋞) hmm ive been feeling a little gloomy lately... inexplainable other than hormonal mood swings so ill give it time lol

7/4/2026 16:04 ‎ ‎ first date of the summer! ♡ i've been doing pretty much nothing this summer besides going on walks and pretty mundane things, but i saw my boyfriend yesterday!! yay!! i hadnt seen him in 2 weeks and it was a fun time ^_^ we swam in his pool and watched some more of gundam seed destiny, which ive been watching with him since february... woa... it was great! i need to get better at kissing... i get excited and that usually makes it impossible for me to do anything!! i get skittish!! the feeling of pulling away and getting pulled back is admittedly really enticing tho. sometimes i do it just because of that ;v; i love him a lot!!

other than that hmm ive started to get back into madoka magica as i rewatched the anime and i like it even more somehow!! madoka is a really interesting character and i relate to a lot of her original aspirations that led to her becoming a magical girl ... can kyubey contract me too? please? lol jk but the concept of being a puella magi is super fun!! even with the danger of cleansing a soul gem, the idea of wishing in exchange for it based on your potential is interesting to think about :0 i honestly couldn't decide what i would wish for. maybe money for buying more figures lol :9 though it does seem a little shallow. i can't really wish for anything that comes with significant drawbacks depending on how you view it, such as happiness or anything that can lead to the wish being misinterpreted. maybe a shallow wish is the way to go? madokas original wish was to save the cat that got run over after all, which isn't anything world changing. thats all! ( > v <)